How to flirt with a guy, in person and on the apps

Flirting with a guy comes down to three things: show you're interested, make it easy for him to show it back, and pay attention to what he does next. In person that means eye contact, a reason to talk and a clear ask. On the apps it means a first message about him, not about you, and a quick move from chat to a plan.

The part most men get wrong isn't the opener. It is reading the answer. A guy who replies with questions, keeps the conversation going and suggests meeting is interested. A guy who sends one-word replies isn't, and no clever line changes that.

Below: how to tell if a guy is into you, what to say in a bar, how to write first messages that get replies, when pictures belong in the conversation, and a generator of opening lines to steal from.

How do you know if a guy is interested?

There is no reliable "gaydar," and guessing is how awkwardness happens. What you can read is interest, the same way anyone does:

• Eye contact that comes back. He looks, looks away, then looks again. Once is chance; three times is a signal.
• He finds a reason to be near you: the bar, the same group, the seat next to yours.
• He asks you questions, and remembers the answers.
• He keeps it going. When you pause, he picks the conversation back up.
• Touch: a hand on the arm, a shoulder bump. Let him set that pace, and match it rather than jumping ahead.

In mixed spaces, a man can be friendly without being into men at all, and a man who is into men may not be out to the people he's with. Keep early flirting light enough that he can take it or leave it without being outed or embarrassed. In gay bars and on the apps, that question is already answered, and you can be much more direct.

What's your flirting style?

Communication researcher Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas surveyed more than 5,100 people about how they show romantic interest and found five broad styles, as ScienceDaily summarized¹:

The study wasn't about gay men specifically, but one lesson transfers well. Between two men there is no default for who approaches first, so the "traditional" strategy of waiting to be asked mostly means two guys waiting all night. Someone has to go first. Let it be you.

How do you flirt with a guy in person?

The goal of an opener is not to impress him. It is to start a conversation he can join or politely leave.

1. Make eye contact and smile before you walk over. It gives him a chance to signal back, or not.
2. Use what's in front of you. The music, his drink, the crowd, his jacket. Situational openers work because they are easy to answer.
3. Say your name early. It turns you from a stranger into a person.
4. Ask, don't perform. Questions about him beat a story about you.
5. Make a clear ask before you leave. "Can I get your number?" or "What's your handle on the apps?" Vague flirting that never asks for anything rarely goes anywhere.

If he turns slightly away, answers briefly or glances at his friends, wrap it up warmly: "Good to meet you, enjoy your night." A graceful exit is more attractive than a persistent one, and people notice how you handle a no.

Gay bars versus everywhere else

In a gay bar or at a queer event, the hard question is already answered, so you can be warmer and more obvious: a longer look, a drink offered, a hand on the small of his back when you squeeze past, if he's been giving you the same signals. Everywhere else, flirt in a way that works even if he turns out to be straight, taken or not out: a compliment, a conversation, a number. If he's interested, he'll make the next move more obvious than you could.

What should your first message on Grindr say?

"Hey" is the most common first message on every app and the easiest to ignore. A better first message does three things: it shows you looked at his profile, it gives him something to answer, and it makes clear what you're after.

• Reference something specific. A photo, a line in his bio, his dog. "Is that the coast in your third pic?" beats "sup."
• Ask one easy question. One, not five.
• Match the app's mode. On Grindr's Right Now feed or the Sniffies map, guys expect directness: "Hey, you're hot. Free in the next hour?" is fine there. On a dating-focused profile it reads as rushing.
• Keep it short. Two lines. Save the paragraphs for after he answers.

If he answers, keep the ball moving with a question back, and suggest a plan sooner than feels natural. Chats that run for days without a plan tend to fizzle. "I'm enjoying this. Drink on Thursday?" is a perfectly good third or fourth message.

If he doesn't answer, that is the answer. A second "hey?" and a third "guess not" don't change it, and they make you the guy he screenshots for the group chat.

How do you keep a chat going once he replies?

The first message gets you a reply. What you do in the next five decides whether it turns into a meeting.

• Answer, then ask. Reply to what he said, then give him a question back. Conversations die when one man does all the asking.
• Make compliments specific. "Hot" is fine on a hookup app, but "that smile in your second pic" or "love that you cook" lands better, because it's about him and not just his body.
• Turn the heat up a notch at a time. Ask before you go explicit: "Can I tell you what I'd want to do?" gives him an easy yes or an easy "let's meet first." Matching his level is the whole skill.
• Ask what he's into rather than announcing what you're into. You learn more, and he feels listened to.
• Use humor, especially about the apps themselves. Shared jokes about "hey" and "sup" build rapport fast.
• Suggest a plan early. A time, a place, a reason. "Free Thursday? There's a bar near you I like."

Flirting mistakes that end the conversation

• Leading with explicit photos or messages nobody asked for. It is the most common complaint on the apps, and the fastest block.
• Negging, the backhanded compliment meant to knock his confidence ("cute, for a bigger guy"). It reads as insecurity and, often, as cruelty.
• Interrogating. Stats, position, size and status in the first three messages, with nothing else, feels like a form, not a flirt. There is a time for those questions; it is after hello.
• Copy-pasted lines sent to everyone. Men compare notes. Use the generator above as a starting point, then change it so it's about him.
• Pushing past "not tonight." "Another time?" once is fine. Three attempts to change his mind is harassment.
• Commenting on bodies you aren't into. Not replying is a complete answer.

When should you send pics?

When he's asked for them, or said yes when you offered. On the hookup apps, trading photos is part of the routine, and that's fine between two men who both want to. The problem is sending them unasked.

It is common. In Pew Research Center's survey², 56% of lesbian, gay and bisexual online daters said they had received a sexually explicit message or image they did not ask for, against 32% of straight users, and 48% said someone kept contacting them after they said they weren't interested. That makes the guy who asks first stand out, in a good way.

The apps' own rules say the same thing. Grindr's community guidelines³ allow nudity in private chats and albums but ask users to check before sending nudes or explicit messages, and note that consent can be withdrawn at any time. Public profile photos can't be explicit at all.

In some states it is also the law. Since 2019, Texas Penal Code section 21.19⁴ has made it a Class C misdemeanor to send someone sexually explicit images electronically without their request or express consent. California lets recipients sue: its 2022 law allows lawsuits against adults who send a lewd image they knew or should have known was unsolicited, with damages of up to $30,000, as KPBS reported⁵.

A simple rule: "Want to trade pics?" before any pic. It costs nothing, and most guys on hookup apps will say yes.

How do you flirt if you're bi or not out?

You're far from alone. In Gallup's latest figures⁶, bisexual people are more than half of all LGBTQ+ adults in the US. Flirting works the same way for you; the difference is where you do it. Apps and gay venues are easier than mixed spaces, because nobody there is guessing. Be upfront if you're not out and need discretion: plenty of men are in the same position and will respect it. Our discreet hookups guide covers keeping it private.

How do you take a no?

Quickly, and without a comment. "No worries, have a good one" and done. Guys talk, especially in small scenes, and the man who took a rejection well is the man people are happy to see again. Don't ask why, don't argue, and don't message from a second account.

Saying no yourself works the same way. "Thanks, but I'm not feeling it" is complete, and you don't owe more. If someone keeps going after that, block and report; that's what the button is for. Our hookup etiquette guide covers no-reply, "looking now" and the other unwritten rules, and the app comparison explains which crowd is on which app. If you're into women too, our sister site FuckHer.now (ours) covers flirting from that side.