First time with a guy: what to expect and how to prepare

Your first time with a guy will probably be less dramatic than the one in your head. Most first times are kissing, touching, getting each other off and oral sex, and a lot of them stop there. Anal sex is optional, it is not the measure of whether it "counted," and if you do want to try it, it goes far better on a later date with someone you trust.

What makes a first time good is mostly preparation you can do this week: choosing the right man, saying what you want and don't want before clothes come off, having condoms and lube ready, and sorting out the sexual-health basics so you aren't worrying about them in the moment.

This guide is written for guys who have been with women, guys who haven't been with anyone, and guys who have fooled around but never quite done it. You don't need a label to read it.

What actually happens the first time?

The research is reassuring. In a study of 24,787 gay and bisexual men across the US, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine¹, researchers from Indiana University asked about each man's most recent sexual encounter with a man. Kissing on the mouth, oral sex and jerking each other off were the most common things men did. Anal sex happened in just over a third of encounters.

The same study found most men did five to nine different things in a single encounter, and almost half of those encounters happened at home. In other words, sex between men is varied, mostly unhurried, and does not follow a script. That is good news for a first time: you can do what you're into and skip the rest.

Things that are completely normal on a first time:

• Nerves killing your erection. Adrenaline does that. Slow down, kiss, laugh about it. It usually comes back.
• Finishing fast, or not at all. Neither is a failure.
• Not knowing what to do with your hands. Ask him what he likes. Men who have done this before are usually happy to lead.
• Changing your mind halfway. You can stop at any point, for any reason.

How do you choose who to do it with?

The best first partner is someone patient, someone you have already talked to, and someone who knows it is your first time. That last part feels like a risk, but it filters for you. A guy who gets impatient or weird when you tell him is a guy you didn't want anyway, and plenty of men find it flattering to be asked.

Most men meet that first partner on an app. According to Pew Research Center², 55% of lesbian, gay and bisexual adults had used a dating site or app, against 28% of straight adults, and 65% of LGB users rated the experience positive. Our comparison of the hookup apps explains which crowd is where.

Before you meet anyone for sex for the first time:

• Chat long enough to get a feel for him. You don't need weeks. A real conversation, with replies that read like a person, is enough.
• Video-call for a minute. It confirms he is who his photos say, and it settles nerves on both sides.
• Meet for a drink first if you can. You can still go home together. You can also decide not to.
• Tell a friend where you're going. Our hookup safety guide covers the routine.

What to say before anything happens

The conversation people dread is the one that makes the night go well. It can happen in chat beforehand or on the couch, and it can be short:

• "This is my first time with a guy, so I might be slow."
• "I'm into kissing and oral. I'm not ready for anal tonight."
• "Are you on PrEP? When were you last tested?"
• "If I say stop, I mean stop. Same goes for you."

Consent between men works the way it does with anyone: it is given freely, it covers a specific thing, and it can be taken back at any point. Being in his bed, or having done something last time, is not a yes to what comes next. Drunk or high to the point of not being clear is not a yes either, on your side or his.

You will also hear words like top, bottom, vers and side. They are shorthand for preferences, not identities you have to pick before you've tried anything. "Not sure yet" is an answer.

Do you need condoms if it's just oral?

Oral sex is lower-risk for HIV than anal sex, but not risk-free for other infections: gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis can all be passed through the mouth and throat. That is why the CDC's screening guidelines for men who have sex with men⁴ include throat swabs for gonorrhea in men who give oral sex. Many men don't use condoms for oral; it is a choice to make knowingly. The simplest way to lower the risk is the routine testing covered in our sexual-health guide.

If you want to try anal: how to prepare

If you do want to try it, give yourself a fair chance. Rushed first attempts are where the bad stories come from.

Condoms and lube

The anus doesn't make its own lubrication, so lube isn't optional. The CDC's condom guidance³ says to use a new condom for the whole of every act of vaginal, anal or oral sex, and to choose water-based lubricant, because oil-based products such as petroleum jelly and body lotions weaken latex and break the condom. Seattle and King County Public Health⁹ lists silicone-based lube as safe with condoms too, and says to use plenty, since friction is what breaks them. Put the condom on before any penetration, pinch the tip as you roll it on, and if it breaks, stop and put on a new one.

Going slow

Start with fingers or a small toy on your own, before you're with anyone, so you know how your body reacts. With a partner, take time: lots of foreplay, lots of lube, and the receptive partner in control of the pace. Some pressure and a feeling of fullness are normal at first. Sharp pain is a signal to stop, not to push through. If it isn't working tonight, it isn't working tonight; there are plenty of other things to do.

Getting clean

Men who bottom often shower and rinse beforehand to feel more confident. If you do, keep it gentle: plain lukewarm water, nothing harsh, and no need to overdo it. Plenty of men say a day or two of decent, fiber-heavy meals beforehand matters more than anything in the bathroom. And accept that sex can be a little messy. Experienced men keep a towel nearby and don't make a thing of it.

PrEP and PEP: sort them out first

If anal sex is on the table, now or later, HIV prevention is worth sorting before your first time, not after.

• PrEP is medicine HIV-negative men take to stay negative. HIV.gov⁵ says it cuts the risk of getting HIV from sex by about 99% when taken as prescribed, and that most insurance has to cover it with no co-pay. Daily pills take about 7 days to reach maximum protection for receptive anal sex, so start a week or more before.
• PEP is the emergency version: a 28-day course you start after a possible exposure, such as a broken condom. According to HIV.gov⁶, it has to start within 72 hours, and the sooner the better. Go to an ER, urgent care or sexual health clinic and say "PEP."
• U=U. A man living with HIV who is on treatment and has an undetectable viral load does not pass HIV on through sex. The Prevention Access Campaign⁸ built the "undetectable equals untransmittable" message on that evidence. If a guy tells you he's poz and undetectable, he has given you honest, useful information.

Do you have to know if you're gay or bi first?

No. Plenty of men have sex with a man before they have a word for themselves, and plenty never pick one. Bisexual is the most common LGBTQ+ identity in the US, more than half of the group according to Gallup's 2025 data¹⁰, and many men who are into both don't call themselves anything at all. A first time is something you do, not a form you fill in.

It is also normal to feel conflicted before, during or after: excited and anxious at once, or sure in the moment and unsure the next day. That doesn't mean you did it wrong. If those feelings are heavy, the LGBT National Help Center¹¹ offers free, confidential peer support, including for men who are questioning.

A short checklist

• Condoms in your size, and a bottle of water- or silicone-based lube.
• A shower beforehand, nails trimmed, teeth brushed.
• A friend who knows where you are.
• Money or a ride home that doesn't depend on him.
• A clear idea of one thing you want to try and one thing you don't, so you can say both out loud.

What if it wasn't good?

First times are often clumsy, and sometimes they're just bad: he was rough, or rushed, or you froze. That says very little about what sex with men will be like for you. Different partners, more trust and a bit of practice change almost everything.

If something happened that you didn't agree to, that is different. It isn't a bad first time; it's assault, and it isn't your fault. Get medical care, ask about PEP within 72 hours, and reach out to someone. The Anti-Violence Project¹² runs a 24/7 hotline (212-714-1141) for LGBTQ survivors, including men who aren't sure what to call what happened.

What about afterwards?

Afterwards can feel like anything: relief, excitement, a bit of an emotional crash, or nothing much. All of that is normal. If it felt right, you have learned something about yourself. If it didn't, you have learned something too, and one night settles nothing about who you are.

Practically: wash up, and book a test a few weeks later if you had any unprotected contact. If you're not out and need to keep it that way, our discreet hookups guide covers phones, photos and billing. And if you want to keep the conversation going with him, our hookup etiquette guide covers what to text the next day. For more on sexual health in general, our sister site INeedSex.now (ours) covers the basics for every kind of guy.